Why Men Are Happier

Why ARE Men Happier? 
 
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? 
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. 
 
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
 
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.  

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase . You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.  
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. 
 
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 
 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 
No wonder men are happier. 

Paging Mr Golding

Saturday last herself and I met up with the grandkids and their ma at the zoo.  Warmish day and the short people wanted to play in the water feature.  The water feature is an area about seven hundred square feet with eight-to-ten foot squirts erupting at irregular intervals from nozzles in the floor.  Prolly thirty dwarves and a half dozen adults squealing, leaping and casting about.  (One real dwarf who the tall blonde is sure is already stalking her.)

I'm standing courtside with that goofy grin I get when I'm watching dwarves squeal and jump and soak, and a woman standing by me says "It's Lord Of The Flies, isn't it?" 

I grin.  She says "They make their own rules, if they're needed, and it's just crazy!"  I like her right away. 

"Keep your eyes peeled for a stocky little almost blind nearsighted guy" says I.  She grins.

A doctor is working late in his office.  An agitated guy comes in.

"Doc, you gotta help me!  I think I'm a moth!"

"Well, I wish I could help, but I'm pretty sure that what you need is a psychiatrist."

"Oh, I was waiting for the psychiatrist, but I noticed your light was on."

Compliment

Grandson was sorting things out with his mother's ostensible help.

"So, when you were a kid, was grampa your dad?" 

G's mother allowed as how that was the way she 'membered it.

"I'll be that was fun!  He cracks me up!"

The boy's mother said something to the effect that you had to be there.

Prayer

If any more stochastic evidence of the inefficacy of prayer and the absence of a just God was needed, I submit the following.

In the past week, three prominent figures have been the focus of millions of prayers beseeching divine intercession: Pope John Paul II, Terry Schiavo, and Jerry Falwell.  Which one is on the road to recovery?

Getting A Jump On Pool Season

Picked up the trolls from school and brought them back to la casa de nana for lunch.  Idea was that Bella would nap while Gabe went with me to run errands.  Bella would have none of that nonsense, so the three of us gamboled out into the warm April sun.  Hit the FedEx store, the bank, the pool store and went to the aquarium store where the sales pitch was effective on all parties save he with the paper thin wallet.

Got home and was distributing the conditioner around the pool with Gabe's relentless help.  Putzed around with the filters and skimmer, and behind me Gabe says "Ok if I jump in, Grampa?"  We'd been talking all day about how cold the water was, and this kid is already a world-class kidder, so says I "Sure!"

SPLOOOOSSSSSH!!!!!!  From above the water feature, no less.

Having reviewed this and similar circumstances many times, before and during fitful sleep, with two efficient motions I emptied my pockets and unholstered my cell phone and SPLOOOOOSSSSH!!!

All my fault.  You don't kid a five year old, advanced kidding skills or not.  Got him toweled off and Nana has his clothes in the dryer, and, yes, I've already come clean with Gabe's mother.  He and I have had the talk and exchanged promises.  I know I won't forget my side of the deal.