The Keys

We finally took possession Christmas eve day. Our agent called, told us to meet her at the house where she'd give us the keys. We got there, pulled into the driveway, and saw the garage door wide open, as were the double front doors, which had a refrigerator half in and half across the threshold.

Sigh

The now previous owner needed "just a few more hours" to finish moving out - now 36 days after the originally scheduled closing. We agreed, and when we returned late that afternoon, he was gone and had done a fairly good job of getting his stuff out of our house and down the hill to his horse property. Now begins the work.

Like Herding Cats

(Sound of gavel)
The meeting will come to order! Order!

Sir! Stop waving that pistol, sit down and the chair will recognize you.
Ok. Thank you. The Chair recognizes the Cracker from Krakow.

You make a compelling point, sir.
The Goofball from Gdansk proposes that the Knucklehead Golf Group consider paying the +/-$40 half-rack rate and conserve the Eagle Card free round until golf gets more expensive. Is there discussion?

The point is raised that this time of year typically is the most expensive, with rates going down as the temperature goes up. And the Chair asks the Manning Maladroit to refrain from that slanderous type of ad hominem attack on on the Warsaw Wacko, which usage is strictly reserved to the Chair.

Is there any further discussion before a vote is called?

Won't Be As Much Fun With The New Guy

Roy Blount, jr. says several people have wondered out loud to him why, when the Iraqi journalist threw the first shoe at soon-to-be-former President Bush, W didn't stay down when he first ducked?

Mr Blount posits that "he just didn't have time to do the math".

Helping Mr Obama

Somebody's got to do it.

Some patriots have to man-up and get out there and get this economy moving again. We're certainly doing everything we can. Over and above buying a new house, whose fourth scheduled closing date is now Tuesday the 23rd, I bought a new Suburban.

Most interesting is the fact that I got a new 2008 top of the line LTZ for only 3 grand more than I paid for the bottom of the line LT model seven years ago. All in all, I got the dealer to come down 17 grand off the list.

Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics

Friday, NPR reported that one out of every 31 adult Americans is either in prison or on parole. By far the highest percentage in the world.

And a very young, very talented writer named Rose George has written what sounds to be a fascinating book on a disgusting subject. Her book, called "The Big Necessity" makes mention of the fact that “Cholera and typhoid kill so many kids a year” that it “amounts to two jumbo jets full of children crashing every four hours.”

Let's hope that after January 20 we can begin anew to change this country and maybe help this planet take better care of itself and its neediest denizens.

ME Do Not Possess Clear Vigour

Dear, dear friend Mariusz wrote to correct my posting; while he does not deny that he has a beautiful wife and family, he is not the head of endocrinology, nor does he intend to be.

So I wrote back to him, thanking him for the lovely chocolates he sent and a gorgeous, exotic leather credit card case. He'd inquired after my health, so I updated him thereon and apologized for misstating his case. I thanked him for taking care of my most precious possession (who will not be pleased to know that her name translates into "Wrinkle") and bade him well.

Then, I had an idea! Why not translate the message into Polish, and make it easy on the guy? With all the marvelous tools available on the net, this should be easy! Mmmmm, not so.

When I translate the translation, turns out there are a few bugs in the software engine promoted by Translations Experts Limited: to wit

This cookies are not tasty. This chocolate nut obstruct is not delicious. My worry is not yonder ME will to be item gross as well she will be yours drawback! This elegit credit card case keeps my charter perfectly. Anew I must bidden yonder you and me Capital are not much item bounty. WITH Z something of more earnest promissorynote , ME worry yonder ME may possess resentful withdraw my unreasonable blog. ME branded only vis-a-vis show my distribution for you and me for this working space you do when you receive yes small in return. Please credit my submissive apology as well know yonder ME will be more mindful on this unborn. As Wrinkle my possess bidden you , ME had three surgery on thirteen months : my left rate was rebuilt , something of diverticulectomy ex my bladder , as well utterly ( I`ve to hope for the best! ) my left knee barters on June. ME do not possess clear vigour neither clear mobility on either this rate neither this knee , short of this twinge has diminish with z ninety percentage. As you know , confirmed twinge varies this way one lives one's life , yes ME I'm very pleased to be solvent live my life more this way ME want vis-a-vis. Thank you for yours undertakings , yours arrival , as well yours care for my most precious possession while were on your country is. Warmest several regards

Warmest several regards, indeed.

W

Tuesday is gomer day at the dollar cinema, which means $2/each. We saw W.

I'm not and have never been a fan of Ollie Stone's work, and have avoided it pretty successfully since NBK, so that's been almost fifteen years.

Though subtlety and nuance will likely never find a place in his quiver, Ollie kept the W mellerdrama at a minimum. Only the Condi Rice portrayal seemed over the top. Josh Brolin's Geo was amazingly dead-on. The vocal tics, the shrugs, the goofy sincerity of 44 were all there. When he spake the famous "Is our children learning?" phrase, boy howdy.

From all I've read over the past 7 years 10 months, I think the movie captures the man and those who surround him really well. Highly recommended.

Witnessing Warsaw's Wonders

Herself and her business partner are currently bringing their not inconsiderable expertise to Chopin's fellow citizens. About 14 hours of air time over, two days of lectures, then a bit more than that on the way back, as they must stop in Munich. She e-mailed that she'd been up for more than 24 hours and was thinking of a nap before going back into the almost vowel-less fray.

My dear friend Mariusz met them at the airport and is shepherding them about. M is a brilliant doctor, head of endocrinology for the largest hospital in Poland, which pays him something like the equivalent of $700/month american. He and his beautiful wife and two kids live in a top floor four-room flat with a kitchen roomy enough for one person at a time, almost. A couple email excerpts give a feel for what a sweetie he is:

we are all so excited about K visit to Warsaw. We didn't see you all a few years!
I am writing to you a few infomation for K, because I am not sure if K got my e-mail which I have sent a few days ago to her. A temperature in Poland is +1 od C and there is a little snow in Warsaw, but they say that from Friday it will be a little warmer - but it is better to take some warm clothes. I will wait for K in the Warsaw Airport and I will take them to hotel which is very closed to our home (5 min walking distance).

I often remind my stays at your home and our trip to Grand Canyon and our climbing to pyramids in Mexico.
I hope that in the next future it will be occasion to meet. What a pity that you will not come with K to Poland...

Your friend
Mariusz
P.S. I like your blog but I have problem with my English language and it is a little too difficault for me to understand all you write, but I promise to learn more English

Any problem that there may be is not yours my friend, not at all.

The House Hasn't Closed

And probably won't, as scheduled, on Tuesday -

As best as I understand it, when the house was built, in 2002-3, Pinal County kept construction records on two separate computers. When they decided to consolidate the info onto just one, they - wait for it - lost the data from the computer that had this house's records.

Now comes Mr Garcia who wants to sell his house to me and Herself, excepting "We ain't gots no record of dat dere Ziptic Tank bean approved, bud" is how I'm guessing it went across the gnarled counter of the keeper of the records. Mr G protesteth, and not just a little, subsequent to which he gets the "lost data" story.

Gentle Reader thinks to itself, "Well, how can that be Mr G's problem?"

Because this is Gubmint in the wild west, dammit. And Gubmint tells Mr G he must contract an engineer to re-certify said ziptic tank, e'en though it only last week passed the rigorous sludge depth measurements, intake baffle inspection and cleansing douche of Apache Junction's own Cooper's Sewer & Drain, who pronounced it fit for lots and lots more shit.

Mr G grows weary. Were he flush with tender, he'd not be in the position of giving up the home he built with loving care, no doubt hoping to live there with his (former) dearly beloved and five bedrooms prodigious with progeny. Now he has to pony up - sorry - even more buckolas to get to the closing table. Ahhhh, life. It's bigger. And why can't I stop Arlo Guthrie's "Alice's Restaurant" from playing over and over in my mind?

Roy G Biv & His Not-So-Bright Brother

We got about half an inch of rain yesterday afternoon. We were having a glass of Shiraz as I gave her her weekly thrashing at Cribbage. She got up to close the blinds on the west slider, turned and exclaimed, "Oh!! Look at that!"

The Bleat Goes On

We met with the realtor at the title office yesterday for the multiple-tiple-tiple signatures required even before closing on the house, now tentatively scheduled for Tuesday.

The seller has yet to begin moving his stuff out of the house. We surreptitiously cruise the 'hood, furtively peering at the windows, hoping to see empty rooms. The two junker trucks, the abandoned ice chest, the corral with the forlorn, emaciated horses, all as they have always been. Any way in hell he can get out in five days, with Thanksgiving wedged into the middle?

Hey! Who says I can't write an attractive real estate ad?

Nebraska News

USA Today reports that Tom Larvie faces nine misdemeanor counts of public indecency, having been accused of leaving "greasy graphic imprints of his naked behind - and sometimes his groin - on the windows of stores, churches and schools."

There's a jury pool I would definitely find a way to avoid.

Pinal County Layoffs Delay Closing

We were supposed to close on the new Fools On The Hill manse today, but a delay in the county recorder's office has put us off by probably two weeks. Bummer doubled in that our mortgage rate guarantee expires on the 28th. Costs $100 for a 15-day extension.

I'd required that a height restriction be recorded on the deed and that the two-acre parcel be divided, as I don't have and don't intend to have use for 40,000 square feet of horse corral.

However, the pool was built "too far" west, meaning that in order to get it onto our parcel - and to still meet the county requirement that a parcel be no more than 1% less than an acre - some heroic surveying had to be done, including running the west lot line congruent with the pool fence. Apparently in an unincorporated area of Apache Junction, no setback is required.

The other parcel now looks like a capital L with a real fat vertical stroke and a skinny little 33' X 182' horizontal road easement running along the south of our parcel.

Several facts allayed my concerns: the road has already been built, south of the easement; nothing can be constructed or stored on a road easement; and because of the geography, only javelinas and rattlesnakes are likely to be comfortable clambering into and back out of that area.

The timing stinks, though. Herself will be bringing the Message of Quality Diabetes Care to the good citizens of Warsaw in that time frame, I'll be schooling my buds in the fine points of Road Trip Knucklehead Golf, and we have another week scheduled at the cabin with the Mensan flying in for a cameo appearance. We're staying cool. It will all work out.

Probably

Scenes From A Marriage

Who could have guessed that a morning that started with Her calling out from the kitchen, almost as an afterthought: "Oh! I think I've successfully put the kabosh on you getting a pot bellied pig for your birthday" could cloud over by early afternoon to "Maybe it'll be a good thing after all that we own two houses".

Talk about succinct.

Bad News, More Bad News, and Good News

Michael Feldman reports that the Faux News Service has already proclaimed the Obama administration a failure.

Unemployment is at a 14 year high; but then again

GW Bush's name is soon to be on those roles.

Hell: A Logician Shouldn't Worry

This marvelous meld of physics and scripture was forwarded to me by the smartest woman I know in Florida.

The following was a question on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Tammy during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then #2 must be true, and I would be sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary to this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, Hell is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, and incidentally proving the existence of a divine being by way of last night when Tammy kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

An Historic Day

I never thought I'd be grateful to the Cheney-Bush administration, but a large measure of the nation's willingness to embrace a candidate with such an nontraditional appearance and such an unlikely name is due to their relentless cronyisms and contempt for the Constitution.

A writer to the Times noted that, on one day at least, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, jr.'s dream was realized, that a man was "judged by the content of [his] character and not the color of [his] skin".

And on a slightly lesser level of importance, yes, I am breaking with the Times' style editor and continuing the use of 'an' before a hard H. Hey, some changes are just too difficult.

President Barack H Obama

Is this a great country or what?

Some peoples is hard to discussions with

Her: You know, you're getting on my last nerve. I don't like your attitude.

Me: What!? My attitude is fine! You're a little crabby, though.

Her: Me? Crabby! I don't know what gets into you some times. I'm just not in the mood, do you hear me?

Me: Of course I hear you. I'm right here, aren't I? Look! Right here!

Her: You know, you can just go right now and lay in some ditch, some hole, go on, go ahead. Just go lay in a hole some place.

Me: It's lie. Now if you said "Go lay yourself down in some ditch, that would be ok. But what you should have said was "lie".

Her: (FCC regulations prohibit quotations with references to certain acts which are physically impossible anyhow.)

And We Call It Golf

(Email from the host)

All invitations have been extended and the host committee is pleased to announce an extraordinary field for this inaugural event. The headliners include:

Gxxxx, The First Five Putts are For Range and Then I Get Serious, Mxxxxxxx (stay tuned for an announcement on his putting clinic); Tom, Whining for Strokes, Bxxx; Tom, No These are Not Pajamas, They are My Favorite Golf Slacks, Bxxxxxx; Larry Mxxx, reigning champion of the Resort Classic last played at White Witch in Jamaica; and the 305th place player on the 1972 LPGA money list, Lyla, I Need an Operation, Sxxxxxx.

The Logistics Manual with all of the important travel details and tips you will want at you fingertips is drafted but has been delayed in production. Apparently in is in queue after Volumes 1 and 2 of the Abridged Invitational Rules with foreword by the master of rules, Mr. Ponicki the Pole. The Logistics Manual and each Rules Volume is sold separately for $19.99 but as a Founding Member you can reserve your complete souvenir set if you act now for only $29.99. Operators are standing by to assist with your order. The Logistics Manual will include details on all of the following and much, much more:

North bound travel: Mxxx and Bxxxxxx approved for take off late Friday afternoon from Las Sendas. Open seat available for Boyd if the time is suitable for his needs but he may want a separate get away vehicle. Mac and Swen otherwise engaged Friday late and will arrive at the first tee at the appointed time. GPS will likely be involved for a successful arrival.

Prelim round: 11:00 at Silver Creek with 5some format approved. Competitors to nominate interesting 5some wagers and to select all that apply before the first striking of a ball. A modified Captain and Pig is under consideration but additional proposals are encouraged. Final determination will likely involve whining, crying and other childish acts.

Post round: Drinking and carrying on. Perhaps a game of Corn Hole at the Fun House. Rules provided by Ponicki the Pole even though he knows little of the game.

Dinner: steaks fried by that player with the highest putt count for the day. Food provisions to be pre-purchased by the host committee and the hat passed.

Surprise evening entertainment: sponsored by Gxxxxxx.

Sunday coffee at 7:00 AM if the 5 knuckle heads can operate Donna's new coffee maker. It resembles a '57 Plymouth dash board with push button tranny. If the coffee maker is uncooperative Bloody Marys will be substituted. Full and balanced breakfasts including donuts and candy bars available at Circle K a short sprint from the Fun House.

Final round: 8:30 at Concho Valley, 5some permitted but the Whiner anticipates a cash shortage and possible need to head down the hill early.

Adult beverages: BYOB for those that have a particular flavor but well brands and Rolling Rock available.

Post round: lunch, one for the road and purchasing lottery tickets for fire arms. Travel home.

Cookie snacks on the course: by Gxxxxxx. He picks them up wherever he finds them.

Maps, directions and scorecards available for only $9.99 plus shipping and handling.

(Response)

Putting aside for a moment my despair at your tortured syntax and circular logic, a few questions remain:

Are we to bring our sleeping bags, towels and, in my case at least, a wash cloth pre-soaked with my favorite ointment? or will the heat be on in the Palatial Estate and we be doing sheets, towels, and, in my case, one well used wash cloth on Sunday? And wouldn't it make more sense for Donna to run up the hill real early Sunday morning to make our coffee and breakfast, rather than tend to the lingering needs and wants of Jxxxxx and Lxx? I thought she loved us!? And how old is that kid, anyway?

Now about your writing. They let you write contracts over there on Van Buren? I'm seeing no more than six degrees of separation between that fact and the current state of the economy.

And it's "God Forbid - Another Freaking Operation!" Prince Lyle the Magnificent, thank you very much.

Boydski - You're welcome to ride up Saturday morning with the Putting Fool and me. We're leaving Ahwatukee at 6:45 and could easily swing by for your tattered, tawdry ass.

And It Begins

The realtor calls. "Ok, the inspector will meet you at your new home at nine on Wednesday. It will be $490.75, but that does include checking the pool equipment and the termite inspection. You can just pay him then."

I know this drill. It was taught me almost exactly eleven years ago, before my daughter's wedding.

'Take out your wallet, hold it open, and extend it toward any and all who approach you.'

Yeah, I remember. And then say 'Thank you'.

Boy! That Didn't Take Long!

Guess who are the newest hillbillies in Apache Junction? Almost. Escrow opens tomorrow on the northwest corner of Boulder at North Prospectors Road. I submit this information because Google Earth doesn't recognize the actual address and sends its tracker instead to some place in Mesa.

You won't see much about the house, except where it is in relation to the Stooperstitions. It's at almost 2100 feet, more than 800' higher than our current house, and the views are terrific. It's almost twice the square footage of our home, all on one level. The best part? A year ago it was listed for $709,900 and our offer was accepted for under 3.

A quick tour is available at visualtour.com/shownp.asp?t=1436816&sk=13&prt=10003

House Hunting

Hard to believe we've lived in the same home more than 22 years. Might not be much longer, from the signs and portents.

"It's time for an adventure!" She blithely announced a couple weeks ago. I sighed, figuring it would be another stint of dinners out at odd new restaurants with stingy portions and goo on the entrees, maybe new carpet (no, we just did that), and I inwardly committed to remaining placid amongst the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Boy was I wrong .

Turns out we need a new, bigger house.

But, but, but - the kids are gone (last one moved out 13 years ago), we're down to one cat and the occasional cold-blooded interloper and her six-legged lunches, but no, we need more room - and it all should be on one floor and in a newer house and close to the grandkids and on the way to the cabin and near the Superstitions. "It's your fault! You've spoiled me with that huge kitchen in the cabin and all that room! Here, it's just, just the same, day in, day out. There you sit in that Ugly Blue Chair!"

Oh, OK.

So a couple days each week we've trooped through some poor subprimed schlub's soon to be temporary domicile, and found some terrific bargains. Though I guess I can't personally describe anything as a bargain that's well into six figures, but damned if a few of these homes were not too long ago a bit into seven figures. We'll see.

If She needs an adventure, some dramatic change in her life, - - - let's just say that for a guy like me (and I think you know what I'm talking about) it could be a lot worse - a hell of a lot worse - than moving to a different house.

A wacky, mostly stinkoid, ultimately pretty good thirteen months.

So it had been about a year since I’ve posted, and from the chorus of inquiries, about three people noticed.

I guess that would be a trio of inquiries.

I didn't stop so much from the lack of creativity that had starkly defined my earlier writing, as it was the wide variety and vast quantities of medication that accompanied three surgeries in 13 months.

I’d damaged my left foot almost four years ago, and foot pain is a relentless nuisance. It got worse and worse, and I finally came to the not-at-all independent realization that it wasn’t getting better and wasn’t going to. Had that puppy sliced open, rebuilt and stabilized with a pin running through my second toe down through the middle of the foot.

Shortly thereafter I had my abdomen remodeled (Diverticulectomy: a fist-sized spare container taken off my bladder), and finally, in June, got my knee replaced.

I didn’t realize the effect of the meds through all this. Thought “with all this time off, it’ll be a good time to switch the office over from Windows to Mac”.

Wrong.

Thought I was literally losing my mind for about a two- or three-week period there, to the point that I told the missus it was time for us to do some serious planning for her independent future. She kindly indicated that, while she did occasionally have idyllic dreams of that eventuality, right now did not jibe with her timing.

With her analysis, we narrowed my terrifying descent into madness down to a cursed little pill I was taking to sleep through the pain: Ambien. Be verrrrry careful if that or a similar medication is prescribed for you. Be careful if anyone you care about is taking it. And stay the hell away from any bookkeeping functions.

I'm off the hard drugs, almost pain free for the first time in a very long time, and if you're willing to check in once in a while, and maybe post a comment from time to time, I'd be delighted to try to irritate you with my opinions and gleanings. Thanks

Things Up With Which I Must Put

It's not as if she shouldn't have known.

I'm midway through a weekend, watching great football, and I have to put the game on pause, get up out of my chair, and march out to the back yard to remind Her that it's time for my lunch!

The mower was so loud I couldn't get her attention from the patio, and had to go clear out to where she was bagging the clippings. I made myself pretty clear, you can darn betcha, that this was going into her file.

It's just not right, you know?

Last week the Mensan flew in from DC and joined the parents of my grandchildren to drive to Anaheim for their annual Halloween Dinnyland week. In your mind, Halloween may be a one-day event, but not for Walt’s wonderworkers; it’s a month long gala.

The grandmother and I “couldn’t “ go this year, as someone had to take care of Fluffy, the grand-gecko. No small responsibility, he. Restrictions and caveats flowed like the muddy waters of the Amazon. First came three e-mailed pages of directives, including the proper care and feeding of crickets and millworms. Who’d have guessed fresh crickets (about a two day shelf life and six cents apiece) have to be put into a baggy and shaken into a protein powder, before being dumped into the lair of the Fluffster? Who would have known about keeping millworms in the refrigerator, semi-comatose until the day of their denouement, when you let them thaw a bit before spooning them (plastic, disposable spoon) into a special Millworm Enclosure?

The worms in the refrigerator were a tough sell.

Parts of the three pages were quite nice, such as “His favorite bedtime story is “Goodnight Moon” which sometimes must be read through twice, to calm him if the crickets have been rowdy.” The wind wasn’t blowing very hard the day that acorn fell from the tree.
Nearing the transfer date, and on one of the two or three times weekly we’re at my grandchildren’s house, when The Tall One comes home from work, I suggested that I may as well take possession of the Fluffinator now, save a trip, all that.
“No. I’d rather bring him over myself, just to . . . be sure.”

That stung, a bit.

So the Tall One brought Fluffy over, ok’d his accommodations, reviewed the rules, adding “And here is some special sun block to use twice a day.” Then a shriek of laughter, a doubling over of an overly long body in giggles, “If you could have seen your face, pops!”