Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tempest Fugit

In the same week my granddaughter turned eight, my ten year-old grandson regaled us at the dinner table with an anecdote of how a cat in a cage at the shelter kept pawing at his "testicles". He clearly loved the way the word 'testicles' tumbles trippingly from his tongue, and three times worked it into one paragraph of the recounting.

Gramps: "They're not testicles, dammit, they're NUTS".

Nana obviously not enjoying the banter nearly so much as her table mates.

In a related, maybe, incident, the grandson's mother saw the grandson and his buddy snickering and tee-heeing on the sofa after a brief, whispered conversation. Upon inquiry she learned that Friend had just informed Grandson that babies come from "a girl's poophole".

Never one to pass up an opportunity to banish misinformation, my beloved daughter, mother of my grandson, sat down on the footstool across from the lads, eye to eye, and mincing no words, explained in clear, anatomically precise detail what a vagina is and it's non-role in the pooping process.

If you've ever seen film of a spider squirming, writhing in its death throes, you've seen those two boys on the couch as they unwillingly learned about a fundamental aspect of female anatomy.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Deus Vult

Some days it's tough enough being a property manager to the pedestrian mix of laggards, liars and dingleberries that populates my world and phones me with bizarre demands at odd hours, but consider the plight of Henry Jacob, who runs a co-op on the Lower East Side of Manhattan where Orthodox Jews inhabit a substantial portion of his 2,500 apartments.

Hank's life has become more complicated by a ruling issued by a group of prominent rabbis in Israel on Sept. 29 that seems to ban the use of many so-called Shabbos elevators: elevators fixed to stop on every floor from Friday evening until Saturday evening so that observant Jews do not have to press any buttons.

Since the 1960s, when high-rise apartment buildings became ubiquitous, the Orthodox rabbinate has made such elevators one of the few exceptions to Talmudic rules prohibiting 39 categories of activity on the Sabbath, including manual labor or the use of electrical devices. Like flipping a light switch, pressing an elevator button is considered the use of an electrical device.

But the recent ruling, whose signers included Rabbi Yosef Shalom Elyashiv — at 99, widely considered the most influential Torah sage of his generation — introduced a caveat based on new technology in elevators. The rabbis wrote that this new technology, which was explained to them by elevator technicians and engineers in “a written and oral technical opinion,” made them aware for the first time that using Shabbos elevators may be a “desecration of the Sabbath.”

Religion sometimes, if belatedly, accommodates the obvious. Witness Pope Benedict's acknowledgment that Galileo was right - 359 years after one of his predecessors condemned GG to house arrest for pointing out the obvious.

I suspect that more malleable minds will come to the fore and we'll have an "up and down turnaround" and the US Senate will retain its ranking as the most prominent bastion of seniority over sanity.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Life In The Junction


How bad would that tooth have to hurt to use this guy? And the other sign just shouts 'Apache Junction".

Friday, October 2, 2009

God'll Get Ya

The Blonde's position on organized religion is well known, and not as difficult to elicit as I would prefer in some situations. Therefore, when I learned that her "talk" last night would be in front of 500 of the Canadian faithful at one of those mega churches, and more ominous yet a Babdist mega church, I despaired.

"You be careful, hear?!" I admonished. "No 'godfry daniels', no 'cheese & crackers', none of that. Can you do that? Can you refrain from your refrain?"

She was confident she could, and I felt assured that her professionalism would carry the day, and lo, none of the faithful would be offended. Selah!

So she gets to the venue; enormous video screens on either side of the dais, an orchestra pit for Christ's sake, wireless microphone, dedicated spotlights, a soundboard Springsteen's guy would envy, all the technical hoo-haw it takes to sell religion now days . . . . . . . . . . . and none of it would work. The guys couldn't figure out why it wouldn't work, it just wouldn't.

In lieu of her planned presentation she had to resort to what she calls Hand Puppets.

See? See?!